I am finding myself conflicted as of late about my path in life. It could be due to the fact that not so long ago something life changing could have happened, but it did not. So as any major life change will do, whether it happens or not, one questions their life and what they really want. I am finding myself questioning whether or not I have been studying for the right thing in college. It was easier to do the college thing on a complicated subject when life wasn't so...complicated.
It isn't really complicated though, it has just been life. When I realized that, it made me see that studying subjects I find fascinating comes with ease and enjoyment. But, as of late, studying psycho-dynamics or psychology only speaks to me on a level of spirituality. I am more interested in gray areas than what is black and white. Only fragments of my studies now garner my full attention, the rest feels burdensome and a hindrance to my current life goals, though those goals are mildly undefined, I am inherently aware that my path is only partially correct. And, for once, I feel no guilt in my lack of interest on doing certain assignments, no matter how big the grade, but rather I am realizing I am being true to my feelings.
I don't wish to let anyone down, I do not want to appear as if I do not care, however I am, for once, seeing within myself that this may not be what I want. This realization also comes in part to receiving my first grade below a B. I am feeling burnt-out, uninspired and drained. I would love to help people, but I am wondering now if I really need a degree to do that. Yes, perhaps I do in order to have a pricey label and a higher income. This is a timeless struggle for any artist I believe, who is pursuing a structured education in society. Do I put my focus on my inner desires to create and exert my energies into making something greater of this? Or do I continue a structured path that may ultimately lead to success but wherein the end I find myself disenchanted and jaded?
I am feeling a pull towards something else and I can’t exactly define what that something else is or how to pursue it. I am finding myself feeling depressed and restricted by my current plans, I know what I desire in my personal future, I simply do not know if the plans I had previously made to support it suit me anymore.